In the last three years I have spent a great deal of time transplanting myself from one city to the next. I’ve moved twice across the entire continent of North America, and to three separate states. I’ve never moved to a new state having a job lined up beforehand. In those three years I have had five different jobs. Which means a lot more interviews.
So I kinda feel like I have this weird understanding of how to act during an interview. You put your best foot forward. You are engaging and engaged. You try to sound intelligent enough to get the job but ask just enough questions to make it seem like you want to know more.
I know when I kill it in an interview. I can tell when a company wants me and I’m gonna get a call back. Or a job offer on the spot. Deep down inside, I know it when a company isn’t feelin it or is still on the fence. And if the company likes you, they hire you. If there isn’t a simpatico feeling, you don’t get the job. No hard feelings, it just didn’t feel right. And I am totally cool with that. Because if you don’t want me, I don’t really want you.
When it comes to dating, though, I do not have this confidence. I do not have the intuition to understand whether the person I’ve just met likes me or not. I am completely blindsided by doubt and confusion. With dating its like there is more at risk. A job, well, its just a job. But a date? Its like who you are as a person, how you see and present yourself, is being judged. I have this overwhelming need to please and be liked so I end up agreeing to things I wouldn’t normally agree to. Like, “you believe in human sacrifice? Me too!!!!”
And then I think, why the hell did I just agree to that? Especially when the human sacrifice includes small children under the belief that giving them to the gods means we will be young forever? I don’t care for children, but I don’t want to kill them! Most of the time.
Maybe I’m being extreme with my examples. But I do end up agreeing to a lot of things that I wouldn’t normally agree to if I weren’t so desperate to be liked. Like, pretending to actually like children.
Which leads me to my most recent dating experiment. The guy mentioned previously in another blog as the one who talks too much. When we first met, I wanted to do nothing more than make him like me. I wanted to kill this interview and get the job, or blow job, if you will.
And I guess I was just enough interesting and worth while for him to call back. And then email. And call. And email. And call. He doesn’t have a cell phone so no texting to break up the back and forth email, phone call monotony. I got bored, annoyed, impatient. The moment I knew I’d gotten the job, I immediately lost interest and started looking for something better.
But with all my complaining, I decided to give the guy a second chance. I had a little conversation with myself and came to the realization that I wasn’t giving this guy the ability to explain himself. Maybe when he said the things that annoyed me he was nervous. Or maybe he was just poorly attempting dirty talk. I try to keep myself from doing too many “what ifs” but at the same time I don’t think its cool to shut anyone down before they have had a chance to at least understand why they are getting shut down. And it helps when that person calls you on the fact that you are starting to shut them down.
I was being distant and preparing myself to cut it off when this guy called my bluff. He asked if there was anything wrong. So I decided to, politely, discuss the issues that had been bothering me. He seemed responsive, even predicting that some of the dumb things he had said were issues that I had. It felt good to open up and lay things on the line. And that he was willing to discuss and work on these issues. Totally hot.
He came over a few days later and I had some crazy orgasms. Further clouding my mind. I went from wanting to break things off to wanting his cock that much more than when I first was applying for the job.
Now I talk to him on the phone and the moment I hear him yawn I immediately freak out. He’s bored, he’s annoyed, he’s impatient. He’s ME a week ago.
When I was feeling like this whole thing wouldn’t work out I didn’t care if he gave up interest and stopped calling me. Now that I’m back in the game I’m constantly worried he will lose interest in me. I got a job I barely wanted and now I’m afraid I’m gonna lose it.
If he doesn’t want me, I don’t want him, right?
I kinda disgust myself sometimes.