So many things in life are entertaining and many of those things are made even more entertaining by the use of drugs and/or alcohol. Like stoner movies are funnier when you are in fact, stoned, many thinks like the song Cherry Pie and cigarettes are better after a few cocktails.
Even drunk sex is quite enjoyable. That slightly hazy feeling where you’re in and out of yourself at the same time while being pleasured or doing the pleasuring is beyond amazing. Being just drunk enough to let down your guard and fully enjoy what it means to have dirty drunken sex is a reason enough to worship at the altar of Jameson…or Clontarf…or Grey Goose.
What is not enjoyable is the man who doesn’t know his limit and gets you all worked up, hot and heavy and panting like a St. Bernard only to fall prey to Whiskey Dick.
For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, Whiskey Dick is when a man has consumed so much alcohol that he is unable to get or maintain an erection. Also known as Friday Night Disappointment. As a younger woman in my twenties I wasn’t quite as inclined to make a big deal out of Whiskey Dick but after one night too many of ending the night with a battery operated machine—which I totally don’t mind but I could’ve stayed home all night and done that—I decided that I had to take a stand.
The problem with Whiskey Dick is that the guy isn’t falling down stupid drunk and therefore he has no idea that he’s so drunk that his junk doesn’t work. So he kisses you in that spot behind your hear and tweaks your nipples to stiffen so hard you feel in instantly in your honey pot, whips out his magic tongue and talented fingers to wetten you up for the main event. Then after you’re dripped wet and raring to go, he starts pushing the noodle to no avail.
If you’re lucky he may sport a semi-chub but in my experience that is even more frustrating because it leaves a tiny sliver of hope that keeps you wet and ready. I much prefer, as much as any woman can prefer Whiskey Dick, is a completely flaccid cock that lets you know up front you ain’t getting the meat stick tonight.
A limp noodle is also preferable if you want to avoid the embarrassing act of him trying for 30 minutes straight to shove it inside your lady bits. Let me tell you that he will try and he will keep trying to stick it in. Your best bet is to drop down on those knees and give him the best blow job you know how and show him that if all this mouth love isn’t getting him hard…nothing will.
You can always try to get him to go down on you in lieu of getting a hot beef injection but I must warn you that I have had a dude fall asleep mid-lick. But if you’re feeling particularly brave—as I was—you can flip him around and ride his face until it’s covered in your lady juices. That way at least you get off without the hassle of his earnest efforts to harden his cock.
I’ve tried to do a little scientific experimentation to figure out the number of drinks in which Whiskey Dick will start to ruin your buzz. Unfortunately it depends on the dude, his alcohol tolerance and how hardcore he’s been drinking. My suggestion before you even bring him home or go home with him, is to find a dark corner in a bar or alley or even your parked car and rub up against him, maybe even put your hands on his dick. See how easy it is to get him hard before you go home and go to bed without being filled with man meat. If you can get him hard, take his hand and run home (or to the nearest bathroom) and get it while the gettin’ is good.
It might not be good after one more drink.