Threesomes, Facial Hair And Roofies.

If real-life couple Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally propositioned me to have a threesome I’d take it! They are my idea of a real power couple. Forget Brangelina. Or the ill-fated TomKat. They may make your fantasies hot, but are you laughing along with them, rather than at them? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

 famous threesomes.

Nick Offerman is best known as Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation where he plays a government hating, all things meat-loving, grumpy man with a heart of gold. Offerman plays Ron so well I sometimes wonder if Offerman is just being himself.  Which wouldn’t be too bad because I have to admit the mix of his character’s crankiness and the fact that he makes me laugh wins me over every time. If you wanted to know my type, there you go.

 

Megan Mullally played one of my all-time favorite TV characters, Karen from Will and Grace. I have no shame in saying that I strive to be the pill-popping, sexually ambiguous lady-who-lunches that Karen embodies. Mullally also plays Offerman’s wife, Tammy II (if you want to know why she is Tammy II, not Tammy I, watch the show), on Parks and Recreation. And they’re genius together. Whenever the characters ominously mention Tammy I get so excited to see what crazy thing Offerman and Mullally are going to do this episode. I especially like their over the top sexcapades. Borderline grotesque is hot!

In my fantasies there is nothing about Mullally I’d want to change.  But Offerman, especially when playing Swanson, wears a moustache. I hate facial hair. I just don’t like it. I can’t even tell you why. I bet there is some deep seeded reason from my childhood but my therapist and I haven’t dug that deep yet. I’ll keep you posted.

My aversion to facial hair might be a problem now that I’ve moved to Portland, OR. I really have to rethink my facial hair policy if I want to have sex. Now that I’m here I look all around me and see facial hair everywhere. I know; it’s Portland. Where hippies flock to smoke legal marijuana, live in pseudo communes, eat locally and work at coffee shops for the rest of their lives. And apparently grow massive beards. The dream of the mountain man is alive in Portland.

Yes, these are stereotypes. And yes I’ve seen people here who fit that description like a glove. And others that don’t at all. Although I’m not sure I’ve met one person here who DOESN’T smoke pot.  No wonder people are always so pleasant. And why temp agencies drug test on the spot. Fill out your I-9 and pee in a cup please. Um, ok.

 Ron Swanson moustache

But whether they are a hippy, hipster, yuppie or yupster (a mix of yuppie and hipster), it seems like a lot of men are choosing facial hair. I was complaining to my sister about this when she came into town. Who apparently LOVES facial hair. We are two peas from the same uterus and yet from different planets.

Anyway, we came up with a solution, which involves some morally ambiguous activity. So you’ve heard those urban legends where you go out to a bar, meet a random person, black out and then wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney? Well, watch out men of Portland. We will let you keep your kidneys but that beard has got to go. We are gonna seduce you, drug you, then shave off that overgrown beard! The bathtub full of ice is just for theatrics.

Ok, it’s not ambiguous at all. It’s downright terrible. I think drugging people is horrific. Never actually do it. Working at a sex shop I know how unfunny it is. When you have guys come up to you and ask you if you have anything like that, it’s not funny at all. I’ve basically kicked guys out because of it. But if a homophobic joke can be made in The Hangover II about a straight man having sex with another man during a drugged black out, isn’t losing your beard the lesser of the “apparent” two evils?

Or I could just learn to not hate facial hair. And bicycles. Another Portland thing.

Now, I make no plans to drug Nick Offerman and shave his beard. There is actually a Parks and Recreation episode where he does shave his beard in a fit of craziness brought on by Tammy II. And Ron Swanson just wasn’t as funny. So I think I can get beyond his moustache. Because, really, it’s more important that he makes me laugh.

Which leads me to believe that I can get beyond the facial hair thing in general. Without drugging a man. As long as said man with facial hair tickles my funny bone. And my clitoris, of course.

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