If You Want A Blow Job Clean The Kitchen.

I think my roommate has a crush on me. There are a couple of things that lead me to believe this. One, he keeps trying to lure me into his room to “watch movies or something.” His invitations are via email. Even though our rooms are yards away from each other. Second, he told me he’d miss me when I moved out. He mentions this when I hadn’t even known him for a month. I have no idea how he’s going to miss me because he spends so much time in his room in complete silence I sometimes wonder if he is breathing. Or he’s just really good at being quiet while he plots his revenge on the world.

clean the kitchen...get a blow job

When I first met my roommate I didn’t think he was so bad. He wasn’t ugly and seemed incredibly smart. We had a few nice conversations about a variety of things and I found him funny even. I thought he’d be a nice, quiet roommate to live with briefly before I found my own place. But even when I handed over the deposit check I had a feeling he wanted to be more than just roommates.

But I will not be having sex with him. It’s not because I want to mess up a perfectly good roommate situation. I’d throw that rational, adult thought process out the window if I really wanted to have sex with him. But a few days into living with him I was pretty sure nothing would ever happen. This epiphany arrived around the time I noticed the thick layer of gunk on our kitchen counter and the fruit flies hovering over it. Which now is a daily picture if I don’t clean the counters myself. It was so gross my vagina grew feet and ran away. She sends me postcards sometimes.

There was a time and a place I might have let this slide. Probably because if I didn’t live with the guy a few fruit flies wouldn’t bother me. But I’ve grown accustomed to the concept of clean sex. My favorite time to have sex is when my partner and I have both finished showering. I’m not big on “the musky scent of a man” and prefer the light hint of soap.

I never thought of myself as a clean freak, especially when it came to sex, but my ex-boyfriend was really into it. So by Pavlovian conditioning, I now am too. I also get really squeamish about bodily fluids. Too much saliva in a kiss makes me wanna yack. And if anyone wants me to go down on them the only way that’s happening is post shower.

When I was less distressed by bodily fluids I used to let guys come in my mouth now and again. I stopped doing that because unless you are with a fluid bonded or monogamous partner it’s not safe. Which is a great excuse for all those ladies out there who are disgusted by semen. I think it also has to do with a traumatizing experience I had.

I was hooking up with a guy and he loved blow jobs. I personally am not a fan of giving them. I say it’s because I have a small mouth and have a hard time breathing out of my nose but it’s mostly the squeamish factor. But I like to do things that make my partners happy so I’ll do it if that’s what they really want. And this guy loved blow jobs so what they hey.

As this guy was getting closer to orgasm he made it apparent he wanted to come in my mouth. Which I recommend negotiating BEFORE giving someone a blow job because it can kill the mood if you tell the guy to go fuck himself when he says that. I wasn’t particularly excited about the prospect but I’ve done it before and it’s really not that bad.

But my brain kept telling me NO! STOP! GROSS! YOU HATE BODILY FLUIDS! I tried to ignore these messages but they were starting to take over. By the time the guy came I had myself so worked up about it I totally gagged on his cum. And somehow while gagging, semen went from my mouth into my nose. Which then gave me the worst sinus infection I’ve ever had.

Now I listen to myself when I’m trying to force doing something I have mixed feelings about. Not being able to breathe out of your nose for a month will make you reevaluate.

As for the roommate, it’s not just the kitchen counters that are gross around my apartment. I’m pretty sure my roommate has never washed his towels. Which smell horrific. And when he opens his bedroom door there is either a terrible stench that comes out…or the smell of weed. All this makes me wonder what sort of personal hygiene this guy practices. Which leads me to nausea. If he can’t keep the kitchen clean, how does he keep himself clean?

Fortunately avoiding him is pretty easy. I just don’t respond to his emails. Which is how you can use someone’s passive aggressive nature to your advantage.

One thought on “If You Want A Blow Job Clean The Kitchen.

  1. Pingback: Ten Things « Better Where It's Wetter

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